The following is the text of a letter sent to the editor of the Guardian:
How profoundly disappointing it was to read Polly Toynbee’s misplaced comments on the Welfare Reform Bill (We must brave the rage, and take on won’t-pay fathers 27.01.09).
Clearly, Ms Toynbee has little or no understanding of the complexities of family separation. Worse, however, is her belief that it is acceptable to make such unpleasant, ill-informed and discriminatory remarks about a whole section of the population.
She would appear to believe that the actions of some should lead to the vilification and persecution of all. It is difficult for me to think of another issue where this would be tolerated. It is as though notions of gender equality have completely passed her by.
The single parent lobby is a strong one. It has perpetuated the stereotype of the poor ’single mum’ and the runaway ‘absent father’. Do these stereotypes exist? Of course they do. But making policy on the back of the few does not only a disservice to the many but contributes to the very attitudes that Ms Toynbee finds so offensive.
Perhaps she would like to work on our helpline and listen to non-resident mothers (who make up 10% of the group Ms Toynbee attacks) talk about their lack of status, or to the dads who are told by the Child Support Agency that, although he provides day-to-day care for his children, he is “not a parent under child support law.” Perhaps she might talk to non resident parents who go without heating during the week so that they can afford to treat their children at the weekend. Maybe, then, she will understand a little of something about the complex nature of family separation.
I have worked with separated families for 20 years and what I understand more clearly than anything is that attitudes such as those displayed by Ms Toynbee have contributed to the unhappiness of parents and children, mothers and fathers alike. They have held back the chance of sober discourse and resulted in public policies that have exacerbated conflict between parents rather than helped to resolve them.
At the Centre for Separated Families, our work with the real lives of parents has shown us that labels and divisions do little to help at that critical point of separation. We have moved beyond delivering services based upon stereotypes. I believe that by doing so we give hope to those non resident mothers and fathers who are still having to cope with the pernicious attitudes that Ms Toynbee appears to feel entirely comfortable espousing.
Karen Woodall – Director of the Centre for Separated Families
1 response so far ↓
Paul // 18 March 2009 at 11:12 am
Thank you for writing this piece. My wife took my three children away from me over ten years ago and, although I look after them for half of the week, I still have to pay maintenance.
She has remarried and now has two young children with her new husband. Each time the baby was born, she applied for an increase through the CSA. It had nothing to do with the welfare of our children, but her ‘right’ (as she sees it) to money from me.
The inappropriate distribution of finances (my children’s mum gets the Child Benefit and Child Support – her husband now gets my Tax Credit) means that my children have lived in relative poverty when they have been with me.
Despite my feelings of injustice, I have never once failed to make a payment. But it hurts not to be able to provide my children with the things I would like to.