How should we handle the breakdown of parents’ relationships?

Family separation affects children in many ways, some that are not readily apparent until later in life when children become parents themselves.  In the UK, where the divorce and separation rate remains high, perhaps its time to change the way we help families to deal with the aftermath of separation.

The children who do best after separation are those whose parents can disentangle the ending of their adult relationship from their ongoing parenting relationship.  This ability to continue to parent together provides for children the continuity and certainty of a close relationship with mum and dad, which in turn provides the foundation for successful adult relationships in the future.  But too many parents who are separating find themselves so caught up in their own pain and suffering that their children’s needs are simply overlooked.

To makes things worse the support  that is available to separating parents is often responsible for increasing the conflict between them.  Many organisations encourage the notion that one parent has control over the children, viewing the other as an optional extra, or argue that both parents should have equal rights to their children’s time. Neither of these approaches help parents to work together to give their children the love, care and support that is so essential to their well being.

We  should instead set an expectation that both parents will continue to be fully involved in their children’s lives after separation and invest in services to support that.  These services should not just be about reducing conflict but about helping children to feel secure in a model of close, positive parenting that they will be able to draw upon when they become parents themselves.

Services to support the rebuilding of parenting partnerships are delivered widely in other countries (for example Australia) but remain rare and underfunded in the UK.  The Centre for Separated Families offers support to both parents at the point of separation and beyond, helping separated mums and dads to build better relationships.  This approach is not a quick fix. But the investment is worth it because the research shows that  when parents can rebuild a working partnership their children will benefit for the rest of their lives.

We believe that the time has come to move from focusing upon adult rights to supporting parental responsibilities, and to invest in more services that reorientate parents towards the needs of their children. It is time for those who develop policy to think differently about what is really needed for children.  This is not just about helping children now, but about investing in the future.

Negotiating the summer holidays: tips for separated parents

Prepare for the collective cheer from thousands of children as schools all over the country break for the summer holidays!

But for parents, especially separated parents, the long break can bring additional headaches in terms of ensuring that children have sufficient care and entertainment.

For those parents who are caring alone for their children, holiday time can be particularly challenging, whilst those parents are sharing care can run into trouble as they try to make arrangements that are acceptable to everyone.

Click here for tips from our experts to help make the next few weeks a little less fraught

Putting Children First forum meets in Prague

Divorce and family separation is an issue that affects all countries in Europe. It is an issue that policy makers are attempting to more fully understand in order to improve outcomes for the children affected.

The Centre for Separated Families (UK) is delighted to be hosting the first meeting of the Putting Children First European Forum which brings together colleagues working in the field of support to separated families from all over Europe to share best practice. The idea of the Forum is to enable colleagues who are working directly with families to contribute to an increased and improved understanding of what really works in supporting separated families to put their children’s needs first. From this shared knowledge and expertise, recommendations will be drawn together to inform policy development in each member country.

There are currently representatives from eight countries, all of whom are working in ways that promote children’s well being – one of the major principles of the Putting Children First Forum. The Forum will report on developments regularly over the coming year and aims to hold a conference in Stockholm in late 2009 at which the first findings from the Forum will be presented.

The Putting Children First European Forum welcomes members from anywhere in Europe who are working towards better outcomes for children through holistic support to separating families.

www.puttingchildrenfirst.eu

Why Jade Goody sets an example for the governments new ‘Think Fathers’ campaign

Many people experience the difficulties of caring for their children on their own after divorce, separation or bereavement. Jeff Brazier who finds himself the full time carer for his sons, after the death of his ex Jade Goody, faces these difficulties after separating from her before she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Over the weeks that Brazier found himself in the spotlight with his sons, as their mother fought a very public battle to stay alive, his presence reminded us that the boys had another parent, someone who would be there for them when their mother had gone.

Already separated before the diagnosis, it appears that Goody and Brazier were able to agree without much difficulty that the children would continue to live with their father after her death. Despite some noises about the boys having time with their grandma and their mum’s new husband, the clear message that comes through is that their dad is the person who will be there for them as they grow up. Pictures of dad with the two boys, at the wedding, in the days before their mum’s death, show Brazier’s calm and reassuring approach to caring for his boys. Whatever the opinion of the media circus around Goody’s life and death, it is clear that this dad really cares about the best interests of his sons.

This month the government has launched its ‘Think Fathers‘ campaign, calling for Think Fathers Champions to ‘help to make our world a more dad friendly place,’ In our public services, where dads involvement with children is often a topic for concern, perhaps its time to think about why the world is so unfriendly to dads in the first place.

Later this year the Department for Children Schools and Families will hold a ‘Think Fathers’ summit to encourage public services, professionals and the voluntary sector to look distinctively at fathers – not just generically at parents. The upbeat marketing message around the launch of the Think Fathers campaign would suggest that a positive attitude towards father involvement with children is being encouraged. Lets hope so because its long overdue. There are still too many people working in our family services for whom discussions about dad means starting with the dangers and the difficulties of fathers relationships with their children instead of looking at the positives.

Father’s involvement has been shown in study after study, to improve the outcomes for children. For children affected by family separation, as Goody’s two sons are, the outcomes for children improve massively if they are able to continue a close relationship with their father.  Interestingly, it is the quality of the relationship between mother and father after separation that is the deciding factor on whether children get to stay close to their dad.

So what does the government’s Think Fathers campaign need to do for separated dads, if it is to bring about the changes that it seeks and make the world a separated father friendly place? Well it could start by looking at the way in which being dad is still very much under the scrutiny of women in our society. Despite widespread involvement by dads in their children’s lives, their ability to provide care is still under question, still measured against the care given by mothers.  Whilst many dads are as hands on as it’s possible to be, many are still afraid to ask when they need help for fear being judged inadequate.

The problem is that our society still views dads as the second best parent, useful to support mum, but no substitute for her. These attitudes go way back in time to the days when dads were seen as the link between the home and the outside world for children, whilst mum was the natural carer and nurturer. Although things are changing, many family services in the UK are delivered by people (mainly women) who still hold these beliefs, not because they are necessarily anti-father, but because they have never really had to question them.  Ask your nearest social worker if they had to choose between mum and dad, which one would make the best carer for a 6 month old baby. The answer is almost always, unhesitatingly, mum.  Ask why and the answer is usually down to biology.

But the ability to care for children is not biological. Research shows that all sorts of people are capable of providing the one to one care that young children need and they don’t necessarily have to be related to a child either. Dads are just as capable as mum of giving their children the close, nurturing, unconditional positive regard that they need, but too many people working in family services are aware of this in theory, whilst resisting it in practice.

It is when parents part that unfriendly attitudes to dads are most evident. When parents are caring for children together, dad is considered to be safe, the presence of mum reassures us because she will compensate for any inadequacies we perceive in dads ability to care. When families separate however it is an entirely different matter and it is often at this point that dads face the most hostile attitudes in our society.

Although separated mums and dads share similar experiences at the end of their relationship, they have very different access to support afterwards. Whilst separated mums are able to access a wealth of sympathy and understanding, from friends, family and services set up to support them, dads are left to pick up the pieces largely alone. Where dads are able to access support, the assumption that children are better off with their mum often comes into play. Even where dads are sharing care there is often a question mark over this with many people judging him to have forced the children into a situation that is not good for them.  Trying to be a separated dad who is involved in his children’s lives through ongoing caring responsibilities can be a hazardous occupation.

The most invidious attitudes though are those that further the notion that what one separated father does is what every father is likely to do. Whenever a tragic story hits the headlines about a dad who has abducted his children or worse, another wave of anxiety about fathers involvement with children gets in the way of progress towards a more father friendly society. Commentators in the media don’t help either, Polly Toynbee obviously hit a nerve when she proclaimed that ‘there are some good fathers out there, just not enough to go around.’  But just because its currently acceptable to make public generalisations about dads, doesn’t make it right.  Perhaps there are not enough dads who are good enough to meet the criteria of Polly and her followers, but dads who are attempting to cope after family separation have enough to deal with without having to face the outspoken assumptions that all separated dads are reckless, feckless or dangerous to children.

Developing support for dads is an urgent task in the mother dominated world of maternity services, schools and childcare. Developing support for separated dads is even more urgent because dads who are trying to stay involved with their children face a whole range of barriers to doing so, not least the opinion that their proper role after separation is to simply pay maintenance. But support for separated dads must be delivered by people who understand their experience and the pressures that they face. Support for separated dads means looking beyond the stereotypes, seeing the potential for children and recognising the opportunity that sharing care of children after separation brings for mothers. If we are going to make the world a more separated father friendly place, we must collectively excavate our deeply held beliefs about fathers and be prepared to change.  Only when we are able to start from the place where dads are acknowledged as valuable, equally as valuable as mothers in children’s lives, will we be able to transform their experience and help them to engage fully with their children after family separation.

Jeff Brazier now finds himself fully engaged as a full time dad to his two boys, an unusual situation for separated dads, particularly those who have separated before the death of their children’s mother. In many cases, negative assumptions would have prevented a dad in these circumstances from being able to assume his role of main carer. Jade Goody was able to see through those negative assumptions though and recognise that her children’s father was neither a danger nor a substitute for her mothering, but the other person in her children’s lives who can provide continuity and certainty. The government’s Think Father’s campaign will do well if it can encourage people to follow her example.

Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder

When the daffodil trumpets start to open up, it’s time to think about Mother’s Day again. For many families, this is a day when children make cards and dads remember to take them shopping for presents.

For separated families, it can be a day that is as complicated as Christmas or birthdays. A special day that requires all the planning of a military campaign. For separated mothers who live apart from their children, Mother’s Day can be another painful reminder of what has been taken away, of what has been lost, of time passing by.

Mothers who do not live with their children after divorce or separation all share something in common; the trauma of loss and the silence surrounding their status. Some of that silence comes from mothers themselves, unable to talk about their situation for fear of judgement, but most of it comes from the society in which we all live. A society that conspires to believe that a mother who is not the main carer for her children is somehow not really a mother at all.

Just like non resident fathers, non resident mothers feel isolation, a lack of status and a deep unhappiness at the erosion of their relationship with their children. Unlike non resident fathers, however, mothers face the further pain of society’s disapproval, the unspoken question that hangs in the air. For, if a mother is not living with her children, she must have done something to cause that, mustn’t she?

But mothers who do not have any contact with their children, are just as deserving of their children’s cards, presents and love on Mothering Sunday – perhaps even more so. Mothers living apart from their children are often doing so because of incredibly difficult circumstances in which their choices about relationships with their children were taken away from them. Just like fathers who are alienated from their children after family separation, mothers living apart from their children are living with the dual grief of their loss and the knowledge that their children are unlikely to want to see them even if it were possible.

As we approach another Mothering Sunday, the Centre for Separated Families would like to wish every separated mother a happy day. If you are lucky enough to be a separated mother with care of your children, spend a minute on Sunday to think about those mums and dads who are deprived of that role.

If you are a separated dad and it’s your time to be with your children, give up an hour or two of that precious time and help your children make their mother’s day. You may not love her anymore, but your children certainly do and will love you all the more for making it easy for them to show her that. Hopefully, when it comes to Fathers Day, she will remember and respect your efforts and help your children to do the same for you.

And if you are a mum who does not live with her children or who will not see her children on Mother’s Day for whatever reason, remember that there are people in our society who do not immediately assume the worst, people who understand the complexities of situations like yours, people who will be celebrating your motherhood with you. The Centre for Separated Families joins with those people to send you good wishes for Mother’s Day and for every day onwards.

Why Polly Toynbee’s comments are unpleasant, ill-informed and discriminatory

The following is the text of a letter sent to the editor of the Guardian:

How profoundly disappointing it was to read Polly Toynbee’s misplaced comments on the Welfare Reform Bill (We must brave the rage, and take on won’t-pay fathers 27.01.09).

Clearly, Ms Toynbee has little or no understanding of the complexities of family separation. Worse, however, is her belief that it is acceptable to make such unpleasant, ill-informed and discriminatory remarks about a whole section of the population.

She would appear to believe that the actions of some should lead to the vilification and persecution of all. It is difficult for me to think of another issue where this would be tolerated. It is as though notions of gender equality have completely passed her by.

The single parent lobby is a strong one. It has perpetuated the stereotype of the poor ’single mum’ and the runaway ‘absent father’. Do these stereotypes exist? Of course they do. But making policy on the back of the few does not only a disservice to the many but contributes to the very attitudes that Ms Toynbee finds so offensive.

Perhaps she would like to work on our helpline and listen to non-resident mothers (who make up 10% of the group Ms Toynbee attacks) talk about their lack of status, or to the dads who are told by the Child Support Agency that, although he provides day-to-day care for his children, he is “not a parent under child support law.” Perhaps she might talk to non resident parents who go without heating during the week so that they can afford to treat their children at the weekend. Maybe, then, she will understand a little of something about the complex nature of family separation.

I have worked with separated families for 20 years and what I understand more clearly than anything is that attitudes such as those displayed by Ms Toynbee have contributed to the unhappiness of parents and children, mothers and fathers alike. They have held back the chance of sober discourse and resulted in public policies that have exacerbated conflict between parents rather than helped to resolve them.

At the Centre for Separated Families, our work with the real lives of parents has shown us that labels and divisions do little to help at that critical point of separation. We have moved beyond delivering services based upon stereotypes. I believe that by doing so we give hope to those non resident mothers and fathers who are still having to cope with the pernicious attitudes that Ms Toynbee appears to feel entirely comfortable espousing.

Karen Woodall – Director of the Centre for Separated Families

Not always a happy new year for children…

The first week back after the Christmas break is always one of the most difficult for us at the Centre for Separated Families as it is the most likely time for couples to decide to separate. It is also the time when parents are dealing with the aftermath of coping with Christmas and the difficulties that arise when children spend their time in different homes. This year it seems that, not only are there more families separating but, the difficulties faced by families who are already coping with post separation arrangements have increased.

The financial problems facing many parents appear to have contributed to increased difficulties in arrangements for children over the holiday period. Parents who live far away from each other have faced increased travel costs as well as the usual expenses associated with the holiday. Fears about the future seem to impact upon parents who are coping with post separation arrangements for children and these pressures often contribute to the eruption of old problems between them. This year we have seen a sharp rise in the numbers of parents who have seen their arrangements stumble and who have come back to us for help in reviewing and stabilising agreements.

All of this reminds us that family separation is not simply a one off event that can be dealt with in one easy way. Even when arrangements are in place and relationships are reasonable between parents, outside events can act to interrupt these. Where the alliance between parents is uneasy or, for example, where there are unresolved issues around things like money, it doesn’t take much to push parents back into defensive positions. The only losers in this post christmas devastation are children, who find themselves once again at the heart of parental conflict.

Just before Christmas the government held its Relationship Summit at which it promised to provide funding for services to support separated families. The Centre for Separated Families hopes that this funding will provide the kind of services that can really help children living in these circumstances. What children living in separated families need is the kind of stable family lives that protect them from the buffeting winds of change brought about by credit crunches and related issues. Children living in separated families have enough to cope with in dealing with the separation of their parents and learning to adapt to the changes that these bring. What services really need to do is provide their parents (and we mean both of their parents) with the support that they need in order to rebuild parenting relationships that can withstand outside pressures.

The Centre for Separated Families continues through this period to offer support to both parents in ways that enable and encourage co-operation between them. Much of this work is about offering empathic understanding of the difficulties that each parent faces before offering strategies for re-engaging in discussing and negotiating new agreements. At the core of so many of the difficulties that face separated parents are unresolved issues from their adult relationship and a lack of good communication skills. These can really make the difference between successful agreements and ongoing conflict.

Our telephone and email advice services are provided free of charge to families. Sadly, it is a constant struggle to meet demand -  particularly at this time of year.

This year, as the divorce rate is set to rise further, affected no doubt by the financial worries we all face, there is a more urgent need than ever to ensure that services are available to meet the needs of both parents.

www.separatedfamilies.org.uk

Click here for email advice

Coping at Christmas and other special occasions…

Christmas is a festival that is celebrated by many people, both christians and people of no faith. People often talk about Christmas as a time for family. But, for families that are separated, it can be a time of increased pressure and unhappiness. We’ve put together a list of some of the things you might need to think about in order to make things a little easier for everyone.

Although this article refers specifically to Christmas, the advice applies to many other special occasions such as Hanukkah, Diwali, Eid al-Adha or a birthday.

Get the guide here

Best practice discussed

The Centre for Separated Families has published a key recommendations report following our major conference Putting Children First: best practice in support to separated families which was held in London on 16 October 2008.

The document will be discussed at a consultation meeting with key policy makers, practitioners and academics on 20 November 2008.  The meeting will address the main recommendations put forward in the paper to ensure that they properly represent the views of stakeholders.  The paper will then be put forward to government for further consideration and implementation. Download the document here

The Putting Children First conference was welcomed by many as a landmark event that brought together an exceptionally wide range of experience and expertise from across the UK and Europe.

Centre for Separated Families Director, Karen Woodall, told the conference that the way in which we have traditionally supported separated families in this country, framing all the support around one parent to the exclusion of the other, has failed our children. She called for new ways of supporting parents so that they are able to re-negotiate their parenting relationship, preserve family ties and deliver better outcomes for their children.

Stephen Geraghty, the Commissioner for Child Maintenance talked about the need for a cultural change. He described the work of the new Options service and how it will offer impartial information and support to both parents to help them deal with maintenance and wider separation issues.

Cafcass Chief Executive, Anthony Douglas, said that the family justice system is relatively isolated from the rest of children’s services but spoke about new parenting programmes that emphasise the importance of a parent’s role in children’s adjustment to separation and divorce.

And Rt Hon Iain Duncan Smith MP told the conference about the work of the Centre for Social Justice and argued that marriage was the most stable environment for children but warned that family separation could not be addressed without looking at wider social issues such as debt.

The conference also hosted nine specialist seminars that examined specific issues around separation and concluded with a panel of experts that discussed questions that had been raised by delegates.

Visit the Putting Children First website

Landmark conference

Things are flat out here at the Centre for Separated Families as we prepare for our Autumn Conference ‘Putting Children First: best practice in support to separated families’.

We’re also very excited because our guest speakers will include Stephen Geraghty, the Commissioner of C-MEC and Anthony Douglas, the Chief Executive of Cafcass.

There is always a great deal of hand-wringing when it comes to discussing support services for separated families. There are long debates about what services people need and what will work. Increasingly, however, these questions are becoming redundant. Why…? because we know what works and we know that many organisations out there are just getting on and doing it.

Both C-MEC, through its Options service, and Cafcass recognise that providing services to the whole family will bring better outcomes for children. At the Centre for Separated Families, we believe that the more that this principle is embedded in service provision the better it will be for everyone – children, parents and everyone else affected by divorce and separation.

Our conference will bring together people from across the public, private and third sector to share best practice. And that can only be a good thing.